


sweet creature

by applepi0



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ??? kinda???, Angst, Grief/Mourning, I wrote this at 2 am lmao, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, ghost au, i mean like angsty angsty, this is also the first time ive written a fic on any site in like years LMAO, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applepi0/pseuds/applepi0
Summary: tsukkishima tries to move on; yamaguchi watches.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> hi yes, i wrote this at like 2 am and this is the first fic ive written in like?? uhM??? a couple yEARS??? so im super sorry if this was actually trash, but a recent haikyuu rpg that i joined had me wanting to write again, and of course i cant help myself from writing about my favorite ship ever <3
> 
> that being said, im extremely happy to be active in the fandom again. everyone ive met in the community so far has been a DELIGHT to talk to and ughhh ive missed the community so much :,)
> 
> ALSO !! I HAVE A TSUKKIYAMA PLAYLIST !! because of course i do :)
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4lCkn8inTPjy3MFQuRWnjy?si=EDUSbY0xSpGLvU05fq7pMg

Most days (and nights) were spent at the Tsukkishima household. Kei’s parents welcomed Tadashi as their own and dotted on him as often as they could, and Kei couldn’t find reason to blame them; Tadashi had that effect. He was sweet, and modest and charming. He was polite, and his smile lit up the room. He was… Tadashi. 

(Kei could never find a way to properly explain the effect Tadashi had on others; he’d always fall short of words, words that couldn’t begin to describe how Tadashi moved.)

The last night they spent together, however, was spent at Tadashi’s place. As per usual, his parents were working and his sister was nowhere to be found. They spent most of the night studying and playing games under the soft, yellow light of Tadashi’s lamp.

(The lamp was covered in dinosaur stickers from their childhood. Kei didn’t understand why Tadashi couldn’t save him the embarrassment and throw it out.) 

Later during the night, when Tsukki mentioned being hungry, they had found Tadashi’s pantry was practically barren. They both agreed to venture out and make a quick trip to the store. 

Kei had underestimated the weather that night. His long sleeve shirt alone couldn’t cut it. The air was chilly and it left him shivering; it kissed and nipped at Kei’s cheeks, and when he barely turned his head towards Tadashi, he could see the freckles on his cheeks being highlighted by the pink of the cold.

Kei tried not to look for too long.

(But Kei did not keep his distance. At one point, Tadashi had grabbed onto his hand and squeezed. Kei couldn’t find the energy, or the will, to let go; he found warmth in Tadashi’s touch.)

They ended up buying packaged meals and eggs, enough to cook breakfast for the next morning. Tadashi spent his time apologizing profusely for the inconvenience; Kei ignored him.

(They held hands walking back, too. Kei rubbed clumsy circles into Tadashi’s skin, but again, he refused to look his way.)

They ate on Tadashi’s bed. Kei sat at the corner while Tadashi leaned against the wall and stared up at the ceiling, blankly, watching the lights drilled into his ceiling flicker.

(Tadashi had gotten his sister's old room. His parents had drilled lights through the roof and never removed them when he had taken over. They looked like stars and they lit up Tadashi’s eyes beautifully; They made him look like a child struck by wonder.)

The silence left Kei uneasy.

“What’s wrong,” Kei demanded, piercing his food with his fork, refusing to look at Tadashi. He could practically hear Tadashi’s surprise.

“Ahh, Tsukki! Nothing is wrong,” Tadashi fibbed, darting his eyes across his room. Kei turned to look at him, analyzing.

You would think, after years of being friends, they would drop the act. Tadashi knew that Kei knew he was lying. 

But something in Tadashi’s eyes told Kei to drop it. So he did.

They fell asleep around eleven. Kei woke up around one, and sat up.

The lights from above continued to twinkle and flicker; Tadashi must have forgotten to turn them off. Kei sat up and faced the bed on which his friend slept.

Immediately, his eyes met chestnut beauties hidden under heaps of covers, and Kei, for just a second, was left awe-struck and paralyzed by the sight of Tadashi in front of him. The light, twinkling in his eyes and highlighting his cheekbones and illuminating his freckles; the sloppy hair falling over his forehead; the growing, mischievous smile resting on his lips that reached his eyes.

Tadashi was the one who broke the silence.

“Hi, Tsukki,” he said softly, his voice raw and soft.

Kei swallowed, looked down and clicked his tongue. “You should be asleep, Yamaguchi.”

Kei heard Tadashi giggle, and his heart skipped a beat. “You should come sleep with me, Tsukki!” Tadashi said, his eyes twinkling and his smile childish and sleepy. 

Kei stared at him for a few moments, analyzing and calculating. Tadashi clearly had a motive. But at that moment, perhaps due to a lack of judgement and sleep, Kei climbed into Tadashi’s bed without an argument. The freckled boy raised his arm so that Kei could slip in.

Kei looked directly at Tadashi’s beaming face as the covers fell on his shoulders and couldn’t help but give a smile back. He watched as bright eyes glazed over and closed. He watched as lashes gently fell on freckled cheeks. 

Kei watched until the weight of his lids lulled him into a comforting darkness.

Unsurprisingly, Kei did not sleep well that night. Tadashi kicked and fidgeted in bed, and the covers brought heat that Kei was not accustomed to, added onto Tadashi’s body heat. But Kei felt like he was in a dream regardless, and he was happy to be in the spot where he was, even if he’d complain about it the next morning.

And Kei could’ve sworn that he felt the brief brush of an angel’s lips on his cheek.

That was the last sleepover they ever had.

—-

Tadashi did not get a funeral. 

Kei tried to rationalize it. The cost, practicality, everything had to be considered- but that didn’t stop Kei from feeling bitter. He wanted to see Tadashi one last time. Just one more time.

(And he couldn't remember ever saying goodbye to Tadashi before he left.)

Kei had never spoken to Tadashi’s family before beyond the standard greetings and awkward small talk. But a week after Tadashi’s cremation, Tadashi’s sister pays him a visit.

She looks nothing like Tadashi, Kei notices, not for the first time. Her hair is tied into a tight ponytail, kept neat and tidy. Her eyes are heavy with sleep-deprivation and stress. Her skin is notably paler, and Tadashi’s freckles are nowhere to be found. She looks like  _ a _ Tadashi, but not like  _ his  _ Tadashi; she looks like a Tadashi after the war, a Tadashi grown weary.

Kei doesn’t like looking at her.

She stands with her hand out and clears her throat. She opens her palm, and Kei’s eyes land on a necklace. A locket, with a green stone embedded into it.

He looks up at her and raises his eyebrows.

“His ashes,” she explains, after a second too long. “You were one of his best friends, if not his only. You deserve to keep a piece of him with you.”

Kei takes it. She stands there for a moment, her mouth open as if she’s about to say something but she shakes her head and closes her mouth. She hands Kei another item; a clumsily wrapped object. The wrapping paper crinkles in his touch. From the weight of it, it feels like a book.

She looks at Kei one last time, but the expression of indifference that she held throughout their entire interaction drops. She looks wearier than ever, and tired… and sorry.

But not just sorry for Tadashi, or herself; sorry for Kei.

Kei feels an unexplainable anger build in his gut.

They both say their goodbyes, and Kei closes the door behind him. He looks down at the necklace.

His first instinct is to smash it. To forget it exists, to see what would happen.

But he knows better. His clenches the necklace as he walks up to his room, ignoring his mother as she asks who was at the front door. He throws the book down on his desk and collapses on his bed, holding the necklace to his heart for the rest of the night, thinking.

——

A few weeks later, Kei is finally able to sum up the will to open Tadashi’s journal.

He can feel someone watching over his shoulder, but he ignores it as he gently peels off the crinkled wrapping paper off the book. Around his neck hangs Tadashi’s ashes.

The book itself is quite nice despite its evidently long life. The scratches on the leather cover give it life. It feels refreshing, somehow.

Kei turns to the page to the front page.

_ ꒰♡⌯́ॢ³⌯̀ॢ꒱ this notebook belongs to  _

**tadashi yamaguchi !!**

_ ** please don't touch ! ヾ( ๑´д`๑)ﾂ _

Kei stares at the front page blankly. He traces his fingers over the letters of Tadashi’s name, and then over the hand drawn Kaomojis, and then over the doodles of stars decorating the entire page. His heart swells with endearment, and hurt- of course Tadashi would decorate his journal like this.

The next page is covered in stickers. Dinosaurs. Kei frowns looking at them, but he traces over their edges and rubs at the ones that still have their shine. A small note at the bottom reads that Tadashi had found these from his childhood stash. 

_ I’ll admit, I never liked dinosaurs as much as Tsukki did! But I still liked collecting them so I could give them to him :) _

Kei turns the page. He recounts memories in the volleyball club, and in the classroom. He reads over moments he’s shared with Tadashi, as if he were watching a scene play out in a movie. Something feels off. His chest is tight and his heart aches and his head  _ pounds.  _

Kei decides to take a break. 

He turns away from his desk, and for the briefest second, he sees a flash of green.

——

The team members are more annoying than usual.

They mean well, Kei knows that they do. But their ‘discreet’ glances of concern and pity make Kei feel small, like something really is wrong. Like things will never go back to the way they used to.

(And of course they won’t, but Kei wants to at least  _ pretend. _ )

After a particularly harsh game and a failed block, Kei walks off court. The ball slams onto the glossy linoleum floor and its slap echoes like the final note of a symphony as Kei walks out. No one chases after him.

Not immediately, anyway.

Kei expects to see Suga, but he hears the footsteps of a lighter being. From the corner of his eye, he sees soft blond hair and he sighs.

He looks at her and immediately feels something well up in his chest. Yachi stares at him blankly and sits down on the bench next to him. She grabs his hand, and Kei’s first instinct is to snatch it back. But as if she was expecting it, she squeezes.

It feels like a betrayal to think so, but it almost felt like the way Tadashi used to squeeze his hand.

And with that, Kei cries for the first time he has in years. Tears cascade freely down his cheeks and hang onto his chin for dear life, and fall to nourish the grass beneath him. He hiccups hideously and chokes on his breath and coughs in a way that would normally cause concern, and it’s the ugliest thing that’s he’s ever heard, and the most embarrassing scene he’s ever made, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He doesn’t let go of Yachi’s hand. He doesn’t stop crying. He doesn’t stop yearning for Tadashi.

——

Kei expects to feel good after his breakdown. That’s what they say right? It’s better to let it out?

He doesn’t. Kei feels empty. 

He stares out into the field at the sun begins to set and he sighs. His hand is sweaty; he still hasn’t let go of Yachi’s hand.

He wills himself to look at her, despite his embarrassment.

She’s crying as well. She meets his gaze and laughs through her tears. It reminds Kei of Tadashi, and it’s painful to witness. He never realized how similar they were before.

“I cared for him as well, Tsukkishima,” she says as she wipes away her tears with her free hand, sniffling.

Kei looks away and focuses on the sway of the grass as Yachi continues to speak. 

“We all did. I won’t say our pain is comparable to yours, though, because I know that’s not fair. But,  _ please _ , Tsukkishima, come to us more often. We aren’t just a club,” she says with a weak laugh before continuing, “we’re a family.”

She squeezes Kei’s hand once more before she stands up and walks away, placing a brief kiss on Kei’s head before leaving.

Kei sighs as he looks up from the ground and feels the well overflowing again. He doesn’t stay long enough to let the team watch it happen.

——

_ Entry 108 — 1023XX _

_ I think, and this might be ridiculous to say, but … I think I like Tsukkishima. _

——

Kei always finds himself reading over that entry again and again. Tadashi goes on to describe and explain why he likes Kei, and it feels… foreign to read. As if it were forged. The person Tadashi describes does not sound like the person Kei was, or is…

He traces his fingers over the words as he reads them as if trying to commit Tadashi’s handwriting to memory. 

(He doesn’t need to. He could recognize his writing from anywhere. It was surprisingly neat, gentle and small. It slanted to the right when he wrote in English, as if he were rushing to get out all his ideas out.)

_ I think Tsukki likes me as well, but I can’t tell :( You can never really tell with Tsukki! _

Kei stares at those words for a couple seconds longer than he needs to. Her feels his heart drop into his stomach.

He closes the journal and heads in for that night.

——

Kei stays up that night, reminiscing.

He remembers the way Tadashi held his hand that night and squeezed. He remembers the cold of the night pinching their cheeks. He remembers countless nights where he found himself admiring a Tadashi in his sleep. He remembers the way Tadashi’s hair felt between his fingers the few times he touched it. He remembered the way Tadashi’s eyes always softened when he looked at Kei, as if he were sharing a secret with him— as if he considered Kei to be  _ special. _

_ I love him,  _ Kei thinks to himself, not for the first- not for the millionth time.

That night, Kei finds his bed colder than he is accustomed to. 


	2. chapter two

Tadashi watches.

Whenever he can, at least.

Most days, it’s hard to keep consciousness. Days blend together like oil pastels, lacking enough detail for him to comprehend what’s happening around him. It’s all colors, rushing past him like cars in motion. It takes a lot of effort to try to make sense of all the chaos; it takes energy that he simply doesn’t have anymore.

But when he can focus, he likes to watch Tsukishima. He watches as Tsukki squeezes the charm around his neck when he studies. He watches as Tsukki rubs the metal of his chain raw and as his fingers hesitate to turn the pages of Tadashi’s diary. He watches as Tsukki reads over his entries and stains the already tear-stained pages with his own. He watches as Tsukki stands outside Tadashi's house in the early morning, as if he's forgotten that he won’t be walking out that door anymore.

He watches, because that’s all he can do now.

The days are lonely, as anyone would expect. Tadashi tags along with Tsukki everywhere he goes whenever he can, but his voice falls to deaf ears and it feels like Tsukki sees right through him.

(He probably does. But Tadashi doesn’t want to give up hope. He’s here for a reason right? And he has so much to say… so much he wants to tell Tsukki.)

It pains him being so close and feeling so far.

There are some moments where Tadashi _swears_ Tsukki can see him. Moments where Tsukki’s eyes linger on him for far too long, squinting like he can tell something is off. These moments, Tadashi can feel his chest tighten and water build in his eyes, and he'll open his mouth to speak-

Only for Tsukki to turn away.

Some days, Tadashi likes to test his limits. He screams as long as he can and watches as the leaves of the plants in Tsukishima’s room shiver, as the lights flicker for half a second. 

Other days, he lies besides Tsukki and cries. He reminiscences over his favorite memories and tells Tsukki about them, he cries for his sister and family, he spills his deepest, darkest secrets.

(Like the time Tadashi had stayed over for a sleepover and had accidentally broken Tsukki's favorite ceramic dinosaur. He blamed it on Tsukki's cat. Sometimes, they're more personal. Sometimes, he talks about the times he considered running away to Tokyo to escape the deafening silence of his house. Or the times where he stayed up too late and twirled knives between his fingers, watching the light glint on its' blade, wondering. Or like the time he pretended he had no idea where Tsukki's favorite sweater was, when it resting neatly folded under Tadashi's bed, waiting for Tadashi to pull it back out and hold it to his chest.)

Tsukishima normally wakes up sick after days like those.

It never really stops hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what IM DOING I UPDATED THIS and archive posted it as a seperate fic omg pls.... am sorry if u saw that. anywayz here a little short update, m working on a longer chapter dw haha,,,, but it might take a while because im going through some stuff sorry !!
> 
> my insta is @ applepi.01 / apple.pi02 if u wanna chat !

**Author's Note:**

> hi uhm i was gonna wait until i finished the entire fic to actually yk publish it but i know that if i dont publish it now, i wont ever find the motivation to finish :( 
> 
> but anywayzzz uhm yes i guess keep an eye out for updates?? :)


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